I spend a lot of time being angry and not a lot of time showing it. When I write, or when I want to write, I get rather emotional, and the productive, healthy way to work through that is to write. I pace, I talk to myself, I yell at my computer, I act out the things that I'm describing, etc. I do it and then I can return to being a normal human being and function as if I wasn't constantly imagining spaceships flying around the room while wizards fight on the table.
But when I can't write when I want to write, I get angry. And since I spend about 60% of my waking life either at work or doing work-related things, I get angry a lot. Not in the petulant, "Baww, I is bored and so I wish I could do stories," kind of way. Rather in the "My life is ticking away while I sit here and read an email debate about the number of characters that should be allowed in a software field and holy fuck no one fucking cares and I'm dying while I sit here and my brain capacity is slowly withering from neglect and routine and AAAAAAAAAA LET ME DO SOMETHING THAT MATTERS."
You could say that stories about wizards and spaceships don't matter. My reply to that is if you can't see how a story matters more than a software field, please tell me where your soul is buried because it's DEAD and you're pissing on the dreams you had when you were a kid but are too scared and apathetic to recognize what you've lost.
Also, fuck you. You'll be fat by 30 and will surround yourself with shiny objects that you think give you self worth.
So I sit at work and seethe. Like the saying goes, I like my job just barely more than I like being homeless. I could quit, but I can see little benefit to swapping mindless tedium that I'm familiar with for mindless tedium that I have to pay attention to. All that does is overwrites a little more of my brain with nonsense, and makes me a little more tired when I come home. Maybe I'd even start to get satisfaction out of my day job, which saps the need to find it in writing, so I'll try a little less and write a little less, and before I know it I'm 40 and looking forward to painting my new deck on the 2 weeks of vacation I get a year.
Hell no. I LIKE being angry at work. Keeps me focused. I just can't SHOW it. I have to laugh at the small talk jokes, and I have to pretend to care about component version numbers. And every once in a while I put on some music and remind myself that the alternative to being angry is being complacent. Complacency is stagnation; stagnation is death.
Fuck that. Onward.
Monday, August 1, 2011
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
If you're not getting better, you're getting worse.
Entropy is a son of a bitch. If you're like most people, you get about two decades, give or take a few years, when you're 'growing up.' Physically, mentally, and financially, your first 16-24 years are a rather steady progression of acquiring more physical, mental, financial, and legal capacity. Then right around your early to mid twenties, entropy catches up like the asshole it is.
All of a sudden all of that progression you've enjoyed reverses. You're up to your ears in debt so you get a job that you're likely woefully overqualified for, yet still have to sink 8-12 hours of your day into. You stop walking places, you spend what money you have on shitty food because you're too tired to cook, and you forget what a gym looks like. You suddenly have no time because of your professional and social obligations. You rack up bills for your car, your home, your entertainment, and suddenly you have no money.
Call it what you want, but I call it decay. Entropy grabs you and doesn’t let go.
It's fucking RARE to see someone at 30 who is in as good shape as they were in college, much less better shape.
It's RARE to see someone at 30 writing poetry or doing art for fun, and in college you can't walk to the next building without tripping over a circle of kids doing both at the same time.
You get $20 in college and you're set for a week; a few years later that won't even buy your Starbucks and takeout for the day.
You're getting older, slower, more set in your ways, less introspective, and are taking on more obligations every single day. And all of that holistic natural progression you took for granted your first two decades comes to a screeching halt.
If you're not getting better, you're getting worse.
If you're over the age of 25, your base metabolism will never be any hotter than it is right now. You think it's hard to lose weight now? You think sitting on your ass for the next few years while your body withers from atrophy is going to make it easier?
If you're over the age of 25, your creative mental processes will never be more acute than they are right now. And you're going to wait until you're retired to write a book? Sure, if your book is just a bucket for you to regurgitate everything you've read into.
If you're over the age of 25, it will never be easier to change your bad habits than it is right now. You've smoked for 5 years and quitting is hard? Try it after 10. You lose your temper with your spouse? Try dealing with a kid.
Time is not on our sides, friends. Every time you put your personal development on hold for any length of time, for whatever reason, you slip a little further. You will not have more time later to get your shit together. You're fighting the current at this point, and doing nothing for one day means you have two days of work to get back to where you were.
Start paddling.
Onward...
Sunday, July 24, 2011
In which I review a book about wizards in space
Arcana Universalis: Terminus is the first of a five part serialized novel by Chris J Randolph that follows the adventures of Caleb Gedley, an apprentice wizard aboard the Imperial spaceship Ashkalon.
That’s right, wizards in space. What now?
Caleb and his friend and fellow apprentice Bibbs are ordered to investigate the disappearance of another Imperial spaceship around an idyllic and mysterious planet. There, they discover Alia, a pixie who has been trapped in a magical vault for millennia, only to return to base camp to find themselves under attack by a war party of the Imperium’s enemies.
This first episode seems mostly to set up the cowardly and inept Caleb for a grander adventure in the coming installments, but the world here is rich enough to keep the reader engaged throughout. The author’s descriptions are as vivid and colorful as you’d expect, although they can make occasional scenes seem like a slog. Otherwise, the pacing is generally good, particularly after we meet Alia. Don’t be fooled by the overwrought beginning; the language is crisp and imaginative, and will pull fantasy fans in right away.
An hour, or two at most, should be enough to get through Arcana Universalis: Terminus and will leave the reader anxious for the followup.
4/5
In other news:
I restarted the process with Lucky Bat this week, and my last minute tweaks to Battlesongs are coming along swimmingly. Got a good month of push left on this book, and then perhaps I can pick up The Nomad's Wilds at some point in August.
Onward~
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Hooooo shitcakes
It has been one hell of a month. After a long running list of disputes with our now-former landlord, including a week-long episode without air conditioning during a heat wave, we moved out and are now renting a condo. I know the guy who owns it, and he just so happened to be remodeling it right around the end of June, which was when we needed to move out.
Excellent; the deal is Girlfriend packs, which I hate, and I move everything, which she hates. But after recruiting some friends, renting the truck, etc., we find that when we arrive on July 1, the place is gutted save for one room.
We cram all of our stuff into this room, and after a lively series of discussions with our new landlord, we shuttle ourselves off to a hotel using some prorated rent dollars and Girlfriend's connections in the travel industry.
As it happens, last week was my vacation week. I intended to get things unpacked and then tuck myself away for some writing, and I managed to get one of the two. Girlfriend stayed at her parents house for a few days, and so I wrote for a solid 4 days from about 10am till 9pm. Made some good progress, and was in pretty good spirits when we checked out on Sunday.
Ha ha! There are contractors all over the place on Monday. Still here today, in fact, and I'd be shocked if they aren't here tomorrow. The bed is down, and my computer is set up, but that's about it. Everything will be amazing when they're done, but it's not the most conducive environment for getting work done.
However, if all goes well I'll have this weekend to put some final touches on Battlesongs of Hope before I send it off to Lucky Bat Books for formatting and covers. And hopefully I'll see this thing published by the end of August.
Onward...
Excellent; the deal is Girlfriend packs, which I hate, and I move everything, which she hates. But after recruiting some friends, renting the truck, etc., we find that when we arrive on July 1, the place is gutted save for one room.
We cram all of our stuff into this room, and after a lively series of discussions with our new landlord, we shuttle ourselves off to a hotel using some prorated rent dollars and Girlfriend's connections in the travel industry.
As it happens, last week was my vacation week. I intended to get things unpacked and then tuck myself away for some writing, and I managed to get one of the two. Girlfriend stayed at her parents house for a few days, and so I wrote for a solid 4 days from about 10am till 9pm. Made some good progress, and was in pretty good spirits when we checked out on Sunday.
Ha ha! There are contractors all over the place on Monday. Still here today, in fact, and I'd be shocked if they aren't here tomorrow. The bed is down, and my computer is set up, but that's about it. Everything will be amazing when they're done, but it's not the most conducive environment for getting work done.
However, if all goes well I'll have this weekend to put some final touches on Battlesongs of Hope before I send it off to Lucky Bat Books for formatting and covers. And hopefully I'll see this thing published by the end of August.
Onward...
Friday, May 27, 2011
A perfectly acceptable week
I got out of work early today and spent 3 hours reading QC and eating cherries. I could have spent that time drafting, but I didn't because this week was perfectly acceptable as it was.
I didn't write on Tuesday because of girlfriend things, but Monday I hit about 700 words, and about 500 on Wednesday and Thursday. The Sharza's crew is getting ready to meet their first Wizard, and are none too happy about it. I'm not quite at my 2000 word quota, but I'm right about where I want to be in terms of plot.
I have spent some time this week hoping that someday I'll have time to kick 2000 words per DAY instead of per week, but for now I'll take what I can get.
Regarding Battlesongs, both of my local commissions for cover art fell through, and a possible third isn't available for another month, so it looks like I'll be sourcing from a place online. Unfortunate, but the timeline waits for no one.
Training is finally getting on track now that the weather is getting nicer. I tied my PR on squats yesterday and sprints didn't kill me on Wednesday. Missed deadlift day on Monday because Little Sister came to visit, but with squats being as strong as they were, I'm pretty confident about hitting a PR on deads on Memorial Day.
Some more thoughts about drafting:
A significant portion of the words I did this week were summaries of scenes rather than complete scenes themselves. If I hadn't done this exact same thing for Battlesongs, I'd worry that I was copping out, writing a summary of a book rather than writing a book. But I remember that this is a DRAFT. There's a reason no one gets to read what I write until after the second edit at the earliest. I need CONTENT right now. I need ideas; I need a plot, and I need a general idea of what goes where. It doesn't have to be elegant, it doesn't have to be polished, it doesn't even have to be an actual narrative. It just needs to BE right now. If I can see a scene well, sure, I'll write it properly, but I can't wait to see fully formed scenes before I write them. Pictures look better if you have a frame in which to hang them, and I'm still measuring the angles on the frame.
Now, it is time for a weekend of bourbon, Rift, and Terry Pratchett. Onward!
I didn't write on Tuesday because of girlfriend things, but Monday I hit about 700 words, and about 500 on Wednesday and Thursday. The Sharza's crew is getting ready to meet their first Wizard, and are none too happy about it. I'm not quite at my 2000 word quota, but I'm right about where I want to be in terms of plot.
I have spent some time this week hoping that someday I'll have time to kick 2000 words per DAY instead of per week, but for now I'll take what I can get.
Regarding Battlesongs, both of my local commissions for cover art fell through, and a possible third isn't available for another month, so it looks like I'll be sourcing from a place online. Unfortunate, but the timeline waits for no one.
Training is finally getting on track now that the weather is getting nicer. I tied my PR on squats yesterday and sprints didn't kill me on Wednesday. Missed deadlift day on Monday because Little Sister came to visit, but with squats being as strong as they were, I'm pretty confident about hitting a PR on deads on Memorial Day.
Some more thoughts about drafting:
A significant portion of the words I did this week were summaries of scenes rather than complete scenes themselves. If I hadn't done this exact same thing for Battlesongs, I'd worry that I was copping out, writing a summary of a book rather than writing a book. But I remember that this is a DRAFT. There's a reason no one gets to read what I write until after the second edit at the earliest. I need CONTENT right now. I need ideas; I need a plot, and I need a general idea of what goes where. It doesn't have to be elegant, it doesn't have to be polished, it doesn't even have to be an actual narrative. It just needs to BE right now. If I can see a scene well, sure, I'll write it properly, but I can't wait to see fully formed scenes before I write them. Pictures look better if you have a frame in which to hang them, and I'm still measuring the angles on the frame.
Now, it is time for a weekend of bourbon, Rift, and Terry Pratchett. Onward!
Thursday, May 5, 2011
On being lazy and relaxing
Wow, this has been another rough week for drafting. This week and last just have not amounted to much and I'm not sure why. I'm just not seeing things very clearly in my mind, which is a pretty sharp reversal from most of April. Maybe it's a delayed reaction to day-job stress? Things have lightened up these last couple of weeks and maybe it's made me relax? I don't know.
Although now that I say that, it seems true. I've been slack on my workouts these last couple of weeks as well; today was just the second lifting day in as many weeks, and I've been running once. Not good when I have a 5k scheduled next Sunday.
And I wouldn't be surprised if all of this is tied together. Things relax at work after a couple months of pressure, and that triggers my natural laziness. I relax on my workouts, I relax on my writing, I start thinking that I've earned to some rest and enjoyment during the week.
Which is bullshit. I haven't earned shit, and I need to remember that. Getting the timeline started on Battlesongs doesn't count for accomplishments. That's going to happen no matter what, and the only thing treating the publishing process like it means anything will accomplish is making sure I make mistakes. Best case scenario, Battlesongs gets me halfway to the goal. So with BSoH on autopilot, the most important thing right now is getting Nomad's drafted. I'm still on schedule to finish by the end of the year, but I'm starting to run out of wiggle room.
The good news today is I set a new PR on 5x3 overhead press, and would have gotten a PR in 5x1 deadlifts if I hadn't let my grip relax on rep 3, which threw off my form and made it so I couldn't pull the last two reps.
I'm starting to notice a pattern here.
It's most obvious on squats. At the bottom of the squat, something in my brain at least tells me that the easiest way out of this rather uncomfortable position is to relax my hamstrings and lower back and drive up with my quads. And it would be, if not for the fact that doing so will tear up my ASIS tendons and get crushed like an accordion when I run out of gas halfway up. We call that a "bad thing".
The lesson I have to learn, that I already know, that I have to actually fucking respect is that I am lazy by nature, and if I want to be of any use to anyone, I cannot relax. Weekdays are for work. I am supposed to get up, go to work, come home, work out, write 800 words, make lunch for tomorrow, and go to sleep. That's it. That's what my days should be like.
No sitting around for a half hour looking at email before I start lifting. No reading forums before I start writing. One thing to the next, as efficiently as possible, and no rationalizing deviations from the schedule. No cutting myself a break because of a hard day at work, no blowing off workouts because it's raining/cold, no taking it easy because I did well the day before.
If it was easy, everyone would do it.
I give myself more than enough slack already. My Fridays and Saturdays are completely free, at least until Girlfriend schedules things, and later this year I plan on spending all day on Sundays watching football. My word count quotas for Nomad's are a fucking joke compared to what I did for Battlesongs. And if I can't handle a workload this light, maybe I need to tighten things up so I don't get a chance to relax.
Tighten things up, get mad, and get ON this shit.
Although now that I say that, it seems true. I've been slack on my workouts these last couple of weeks as well; today was just the second lifting day in as many weeks, and I've been running once. Not good when I have a 5k scheduled next Sunday.
And I wouldn't be surprised if all of this is tied together. Things relax at work after a couple months of pressure, and that triggers my natural laziness. I relax on my workouts, I relax on my writing, I start thinking that I've earned to some rest and enjoyment during the week.
Which is bullshit. I haven't earned shit, and I need to remember that. Getting the timeline started on Battlesongs doesn't count for accomplishments. That's going to happen no matter what, and the only thing treating the publishing process like it means anything will accomplish is making sure I make mistakes. Best case scenario, Battlesongs gets me halfway to the goal. So with BSoH on autopilot, the most important thing right now is getting Nomad's drafted. I'm still on schedule to finish by the end of the year, but I'm starting to run out of wiggle room.
The good news today is I set a new PR on 5x3 overhead press, and would have gotten a PR in 5x1 deadlifts if I hadn't let my grip relax on rep 3, which threw off my form and made it so I couldn't pull the last two reps.
I'm starting to notice a pattern here.
It's most obvious on squats. At the bottom of the squat, something in my brain at least tells me that the easiest way out of this rather uncomfortable position is to relax my hamstrings and lower back and drive up with my quads. And it would be, if not for the fact that doing so will tear up my ASIS tendons and get crushed like an accordion when I run out of gas halfway up. We call that a "bad thing".
The lesson I have to learn, that I already know, that I have to actually fucking respect is that I am lazy by nature, and if I want to be of any use to anyone, I cannot relax. Weekdays are for work. I am supposed to get up, go to work, come home, work out, write 800 words, make lunch for tomorrow, and go to sleep. That's it. That's what my days should be like.
No sitting around for a half hour looking at email before I start lifting. No reading forums before I start writing. One thing to the next, as efficiently as possible, and no rationalizing deviations from the schedule. No cutting myself a break because of a hard day at work, no blowing off workouts because it's raining/cold, no taking it easy because I did well the day before.
If it was easy, everyone would do it.
I give myself more than enough slack already. My Fridays and Saturdays are completely free, at least until Girlfriend schedules things, and later this year I plan on spending all day on Sundays watching football. My word count quotas for Nomad's are a fucking joke compared to what I did for Battlesongs. And if I can't handle a workload this light, maybe I need to tighten things up so I don't get a chance to relax.
Tighten things up, get mad, and get ON this shit.
Monday, May 2, 2011
The timeline starts today
This is when things start to get interesting.
Today I sent out for quotes for formatting and cover design suitable for ebooks. The plan is to release Battlesongs of Hope on Kindle, Nook, and Smashwords by the end of August.
I decided to self-publish rather than follow my one lead with a for-real-life publisher after I started following Joe Konrath. In September, I'd gotten farther with a publisher than I ever had before; they read the entire manuscript at least, and requested further edits before they could offer me a contract. Which is a rejection, but it's a qualified, not entirely final rejection.
But after I made the changes and started following Joe, I realized that even if I could get a book deal with this publisher, I may not be much better off. They are an ebook only publisher, which means no shelf space in Walmart, and they charge $5-$6 per ebook, regardless of the author. I don't know what their royalties are, but I'm willing to bet they pay a lower percentage than Amazon's 70% for a $2.99 copy.
So I'm jumping in the self-publishing world. I'm looking at $200-$500 for cover design and formatting, and plan on releasing at $1.99 per copy. Self-pub royalties scale with price, so I'm looking at about $1 per copy. If I can make $1 more in royalties than it takes to get this thing out there, I'll at least have not failed.
But however far I go past that, well, I'll find out in time.
Today I sent out for quotes for formatting and cover design suitable for ebooks. The plan is to release Battlesongs of Hope on Kindle, Nook, and Smashwords by the end of August.
I decided to self-publish rather than follow my one lead with a for-real-life publisher after I started following Joe Konrath. In September, I'd gotten farther with a publisher than I ever had before; they read the entire manuscript at least, and requested further edits before they could offer me a contract. Which is a rejection, but it's a qualified, not entirely final rejection.
But after I made the changes and started following Joe, I realized that even if I could get a book deal with this publisher, I may not be much better off. They are an ebook only publisher, which means no shelf space in Walmart, and they charge $5-$6 per ebook, regardless of the author. I don't know what their royalties are, but I'm willing to bet they pay a lower percentage than Amazon's 70% for a $2.99 copy.
So I'm jumping in the self-publishing world. I'm looking at $200-$500 for cover design and formatting, and plan on releasing at $1.99 per copy. Self-pub royalties scale with price, so I'm looking at about $1 per copy. If I can make $1 more in royalties than it takes to get this thing out there, I'll at least have not failed.
But however far I go past that, well, I'll find out in time.
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